The Hand of Death

This could have been America: FTW Part II

This series of blog posts are intended to make use of all that damn research we did and couldn’t fit into the show itself, and also to give you a little taste of the many varied bodies our shows go through before they’re given their true shape and form. Enjoy!

As our last post illustrated, Edward Bernays was just what we were looking for when we were looking for a supervillain. But there were four faces of evil that showed themselves to us and were dying for a good mocking. Bernays was just one. Here is another: The Hand of Death cult.

From left: Edward Bernays, the RAND Corporation, the Hand of Death cult, and the Boy Scouts of America, pictured here in a rare moment of NOT engaging in heinous behavior.

Let it go ahead and be said that The Hand of Death, among all our supervillains, is the only one that is probably not real. OR IS IT? There are so few facts and so much wild speculation that, unless they themselves called a press conference, it’s pretty impossible to know if they actually exist. I tend to believe that they don’t, but that might just be wishful thinking.

Here are the facts:
Ottis Toole was a really creepy dude, and he killed a lot of people, most famously Adam Walsh, the son of John Walsh, the host of America’s Most Wanted. Unfortunately for Toole, he had a shitty family. His mom dressed him in girl’s clothes, his older sister slept with him, and his grandmother was a Satanist and made him rob graves and cut himself, and he had to fuck his dad’s best friend when he was 5. Plus he had epilepsy and was probably retarded. So naturally, he turned to arson and murder. What can you really expect from the guy? Was he gonna be a lawyer or something? Really. You think so? Fuck you and your judgements.

Regardless of his background, it’s widely recognized that Ottis Toole was a completely horrible person who did horrible shit and is totally burning in Hell right now, if you’re into that kind of thing or, if you’re not, he has totally become one with all creation. Doesn’t…quite…have the same ring to it….

At any rate, Ottis Toole claimed to have killed 108 people and said that sometimes–not all the time, because sometimes he killed for s’s and g’s–he killed people for a cult called the Hand of Death.

This cult was also named by Henry Lee Lucas, a contemporary of Toole’s, as well as Charles Manson and the Son of Sam. Reliable sources all.

Pictured: a reliable source.

Here’s the hearsay:
The Hand of Death is located at a mobile paramilitary base in the Everglades, where they teach people all kinds of specialized skills like arson, car theft, kidnapping, child abduction, rape and murder. The cult also takes part in Satanic rituals, including cannibalization and crazy drug and sex orgies that make your Saturday night rager look like a Monday morning. Not only that, but the Hand of Death is supposed to be involved in abducting children to sell to wealthy couples on a “gray market,” so named because it is as depressing as it sounds. There’s no limit: necrophilia, child pornography, drug trafficking. Whatever you want, the Hand of Death is there to hold your hair back while you do it.

So obviously we really wanted to make fun of the Hand of Death cult and make them look like total bitches. But then we Google-image-searched for “the hand of death” and this picture came up:

So you see, sometimes these things take care of themselves.


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